Oh. I didn't ... know he was your warden. I'm ... [Not 'sorry.' That
doesn't cut it. She lets out a soft sigh, and then she's quieter, a little
less brusque.] That was why you wanted to kill me. Or whoever you
were paired with next. He just ... left. [Except, hang on
...] But he knew he was - he knew he was leaving. That ...
without ... but you're still here?
[He's quiet a moment, and then he locks the feed.] Most days I don't think I'll get out of this alive, Laura. He was better off leaving and he knew it. He couldn't help me, but he could still help himself. I can't blame him for that, but- I've had a lot of wardens. A lot. I don't want to be anyone's tool anymore, and I don't want some newcomer to profit off of my suffering. That's why I killed you. That's why I'm going to kill anyone who gets paired with me after you.
[He draws a slow, visibly shaky breath and closes his eyes, tries to recenter himself.]
But yeah, mine's the same way. I think yours might leave you with less control, but mine will force me to change into a wolf, and then all I'll want to do is hunt. ...Which is actually a survival trick, I think, because if I was spotted changing into a wolf in a Taco Bell, I'd have to kill everyone anyway. At least with the instinct kicking in I don't have to think about how I'm murdering entire families.
[She's quiet for a long, uncertain moment, heart beating a little
more rapidly as she just ... processes this. They're words she could
have said, herself, an attitude that she certainly would have had if the
Admiral had found her when she was much younger - when she doubtless would
have been an inmate.]
How much do you know about ... who I was before all of this?
Not much. You have some...mannerisms that my boyfriend has, that people raised in stable white-picket-fence homes don't have. But I'm afraid to make any assumptions about that.
I only ask because ... I was a tool. I was created and raised to be
a weapon. An assassin. They're the ones who conditioned me to the trigger
scent, so I would kill for them, and they could profit off of me.
And after I got out of that, I was a prostitute - I didn't even know what I
was doing, at the time. I didn't have the context for murder or for sex.
[A deep breath, steadying herself.] I killed my creators. I
killed my pimp. I wanted to ... keep killing, because I couldn't
make sense of anything else.
If the Admiral had found me then, I would be in your position: an inmate.
And I am almost positive I would have tried to kill every warden assigned
to me, if not the Admiral himself. As it is now, I ... don't want to
profit, I don't want to use you, or any of the other inmates.
People aren't tools. They're not things. And ... maybe that means
that I shouldn't be here, but I can't just ... let this system exist
without trying to change it. Or ... destroy it, I don't know. I just ...
don't know how.
[It was a lot, but Lark heard every word and is hanging all his attention on them. He'd liked Laura well enough before, enough that he doesn't want to kill her and hadn't even when he drove the knife into her skull. He'd had a hunch that if she wasn't angry, wasn't planning vengeance or 'consequence' for him, he could learn to like her more.
He hadn't expected this answer that she's given him.]
It takes people years to realize what you're feeling. 'People'--as if there's more than one at a time.
I want to change things here, too, Laura. I have for a long time. I've just ended up in so many corners that it seems easier to lie low, to do nothing. To just wait until the Admiral lets me go.
A lot of the things that I want can never happen. There won't be voluntary inmates, because despite all the luxury we're still prisoners. I understand that it has to be that way for the dynamic to work.
But I don't see wardens suffering. And I never see them suffer for us, the people they imprison and try to change. I've been dragged into combat, thrown into no-win scenarios, because other wardens wanted to pacify their egos, to play hero. I want to change that.
I'm sorry. [Again, she knows they're only words, but there's weight
to them; she means it.] I think ... suffering for its own sake is
... probably useless, in the long run, but I also see that many other
wardens seem to think that they aren't in the same boat - literally and
figuratively - as the inmates. We enjoy privileges, yes. Some of them ...
don't even make sense to me, like access to certain parts of the barge. But
... floods, breaches, shortages, infestations of boggarts or magical cats
... we are equal in needing to deal with everything that comes from the
outside. I don't understand why we would also place artificial restrictions
on half our passengers when they could just as easily be helping everyone.
When we could all be helping each other, as a community.
But ... most people don't seem to want that. And if they do, then they
don't know how to make it happen. I ... admit that I don't, either.
I don't like that inmates aren't given a choice, either. The least the
Admiral could offer is an option to leave if they have been here long
enough.
Where I'm from, there was a law that any prisoner had a right to know why they were being imprisoned. It was a law because at some point in history, hell in a lot of places in the modern era, people could be locked up for no reason. If I could change another thing, I'd change that. But I've seen my file, and nothing in there told me what the Admiral wants. Otherwise I would have tried to take everyone's files, so everyone had some idea.
I think that would help wardens, too. It could, if inmates were willing to
share that information with them, and even if they weren't ... inmates
would at least know what they need to change. I have never
understood how anyone is supposed to change - or help people change - if we
aren't given parameters.
I wonder where he keeps the files. I can be ... very good at getting behind
locked doors, when I need to be.
On the old Barge, there was a way to get to him. I helped someone get there, once. ...And then I helped Steve Rogers get demoted by telling him about it. Even if this ship had the same layout, I wouldn't try that again.
I think the best option would be to go low-key. Wardens have the files now, and their doors are easier to get behind than the Admiral's. [It's a gentle test, seeing where her boundaries are, risking her turning on him over this one piece of his hundred or schemes. But he has to start somewhere if he's going to believe her.]
They do, but wardens only have the files of their own permanent inmates. We
would first need to know who, exactly, needs the information in their file.
And it does not help the inmates who aren't paired - they are the ones who
need it the most.
What happened to get him demoted? I've heard ... that he tried to get to
the Admiral for some reason and that an inmate died, but nothing more than
that.
The Admiral lied to him. [He frowns, wanting to tell her more, but.] He can tell you how better than I can.
He rushed ahead and a lot of people were hurt. Around here, a warden can beat their inmate unconscious, can torture them, but the Admiral won't let you get away with killing one of us. That's the line. So now he has to figure out how to graduate and I'm sure he has no idea how.
[Which brings them back to the files.] The only files we have access to are the ones the permanent pairings have, but that's not a bad start. If we had a view of all of them, we could see any patterns that might be there.
That seems ... particularly cruel and unnecessarily targeted. It makes more
sense to let go of a warden who can no longer do their job, not punish them
indefinitely. [She'll need to mull this over; it's hard to say
whether this means the system is inherently more corrupt than she imagined,
or if there's a greater purpose to this particular situation besides just
punishment.] How does one even graduate from a punishment?
Maybe his is the file we should start with. Unless there are others that
might be easier to access?
I'm sure the Admiral has good reason for holding on so tightly to anyone he thinks needs redemption. I know it's possible to graduate from a demotion, though; I've seen it done a few times. But they were never people I was close with, and they were gone before I could ask them. Or even figure out what to ask.
I think you're right about his file, though. I can ask him--unless he's mad at me, in which case maybe you should.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Voice
Oh. I didn't ... know he was your warden. I'm ... [Not 'sorry.' That doesn't cut it. She lets out a soft sigh, and then she's quieter, a little less brusque.] That was why you wanted to kill me. Or whoever you were paired with next. He just ... left. [Except, hang on ...] But he knew he was - he knew he was leaving. That ... without ... but you're still here?
You -- is it -- does it do the same thing?
Private Voice
[He draws a slow, visibly shaky breath and closes his eyes, tries to recenter himself.]
But yeah, mine's the same way. I think yours might leave you with less control, but mine will force me to change into a wolf, and then all I'll want to do is hunt. ...Which is actually a survival trick, I think, because if I was spotted changing into a wolf in a Taco Bell, I'd have to kill everyone anyway. At least with the instinct kicking in I don't have to think about how I'm murdering entire families.
Re: Private Voice
[She's quiet for a long, uncertain moment, heart beating a little more rapidly as she just ... processes this. They're words she could have said, herself, an attitude that she certainly would have had if the Admiral had found her when she was much younger - when she doubtless would have been an inmate.]
How much do you know about ... who I was before all of this?
Private Voice
Re: Private Voice
I only ask because ... I was a tool. I was created and raised to be a weapon. An assassin. They're the ones who conditioned me to the trigger scent, so I would kill for them, and they could profit off of me. And after I got out of that, I was a prostitute - I didn't even know what I was doing, at the time. I didn't have the context for murder or for sex. [A deep breath, steadying herself.] I killed my creators. I killed my pimp. I wanted to ... keep killing, because I couldn't make sense of anything else.
If the Admiral had found me then, I would be in your position: an inmate. And I am almost positive I would have tried to kill every warden assigned to me, if not the Admiral himself. As it is now, I ... don't want to profit, I don't want to use you, or any of the other inmates. People aren't tools. They're not things. And ... maybe that means that I shouldn't be here, but I can't just ... let this system exist without trying to change it. Or ... destroy it, I don't know. I just ... don't know how.
I'm sorry. That was a lot.
Private Voice
He hadn't expected this answer that she's given him.]
It takes people years to realize what you're feeling. 'People'--as if there's more than one at a time.
I want to change things here, too, Laura. I have for a long time. I've just ended up in so many corners that it seems easier to lie low, to do nothing. To just wait until the Admiral lets me go.
But I want things to change.
Re: Private Voice
How?
[It's small, pleading - but very deeply serious.]
If not for the whole barge - how can I help you? What ... what do you want to be different?
Private Voice
But I don't see wardens suffering. And I never see them suffer for us, the people they imprison and try to change. I've been dragged into combat, thrown into no-win scenarios, because other wardens wanted to pacify their egos, to play hero. I want to change that.
Re: Private Voice
I'm sorry. [Again, she knows they're only words, but there's weight to them; she means it.] I think ... suffering for its own sake is ... probably useless, in the long run, but I also see that many other wardens seem to think that they aren't in the same boat - literally and figuratively - as the inmates. We enjoy privileges, yes. Some of them ... don't even make sense to me, like access to certain parts of the barge. But ... floods, breaches, shortages, infestations of boggarts or magical cats ... we are equal in needing to deal with everything that comes from the outside. I don't understand why we would also place artificial restrictions on half our passengers when they could just as easily be helping everyone. When we could all be helping each other, as a community.
But ... most people don't seem to want that. And if they do, then they don't know how to make it happen. I ... admit that I don't, either.
I don't like that inmates aren't given a choice, either. The least the Admiral could offer is an option to leave if they have been here long enough.
Re: Private Voice
Re: Private Voice
I think that would help wardens, too. It could, if inmates were willing to share that information with them, and even if they weren't ... inmates would at least know what they need to change. I have never understood how anyone is supposed to change - or help people change - if we aren't given parameters.
I wonder where he keeps the files. I can be ... very good at getting behind locked doors, when I need to be.
Private Voice
I think the best option would be to go low-key. Wardens have the files now, and their doors are easier to get behind than the Admiral's. [It's a gentle test, seeing where her boundaries are, risking her turning on him over this one piece of his hundred or schemes. But he has to start somewhere if he's going to believe her.]
Re: Private Voice
They do, but wardens only have the files of their own permanent inmates. We would first need to know who, exactly, needs the information in their file. And it does not help the inmates who aren't paired - they are the ones who need it the most.
What happened to get him demoted? I've heard ... that he tried to get to the Admiral for some reason and that an inmate died, but nothing more than that.
Private Voice
He rushed ahead and a lot of people were hurt. Around here, a warden can beat their inmate unconscious, can torture them, but the Admiral won't let you get away with killing one of us. That's the line. So now he has to figure out how to graduate and I'm sure he has no idea how.
[Which brings them back to the files.] The only files we have access to are the ones the permanent pairings have, but that's not a bad start. If we had a view of all of them, we could see any patterns that might be there.
Re: Private Voice
I see.
That seems ... particularly cruel and unnecessarily targeted. It makes more sense to let go of a warden who can no longer do their job, not punish them indefinitely. [She'll need to mull this over; it's hard to say whether this means the system is inherently more corrupt than she imagined, or if there's a greater purpose to this particular situation besides just punishment.] How does one even graduate from a punishment?
Maybe his is the file we should start with. Unless there are others that might be easier to access?
Private Voice
I think you're right about his file, though. I can ask him--unless he's mad at me, in which case maybe you should.